basement was lit

I remember when I was younger and the big ass desktop computer was in my parents’ basement. This was dial up 56k internet times. The internet access depended on my parents’ phone use. So…when I was on the computer and couldn’t get to Limewire to get the latest tracks (y’already knoe [emphasis on the e] I was on my burning CDs typa high school DJ hookup vibe)…I would either listen to the 10% downloaded songs to hype myself up. Or I would play some computer games. Hmm I remember when I didn’t even have any CD games yet. So ya, limited options.

The usual game I would open was Solitaire. Man. I fkn loved that game. I used the one when you only draw one card, but sometimes I’d be adventurous and try the 3 cards draw. I think I would open Minesweeper from time to time, but I never understood the point? What were we supposed to do, and to what end? When I thought I did understand, I soon realized I was fooled. So I stuck to Solitaire.

Confession: I currently have it on my phone and have periods where I’m obsessed, thinking I’ll beat the computer. My current highest score is like 21,000 something, but I think it was luck? And yes. I only draw 1 card. Your lil bitch ass can judge me if you want!!!

Is solitaire a game we truly can get “good”, “skilled”, “advanced” at? Am I a fool for believing so? Although, nothing like a game of solitaire to humble you down real quick. Let’s be real, we can’t beat the genius computer. Don’t come and burst my bubble to tell me we can. This lil confidence is bringing me places.

I lost it after that one strand of hair

I showered today. And as I was getting ready (to stay home, let’s be real), I found one strand of a stranger’s hair on my fkn underwear. EEWWWW!! To add some context to my situation, I live in a big Akelius building with hundreds of people living there. The laundry room in the basement only has 2 washers and 2 dryers - both charging each 2$ per load, using a card that had we have to recharge by shots of either 10 or 20$. I repeat, we are HUNDREDS in this 3-floor building. I must add: lately, the machines have been broken more often than not. I did a load yesterday and it destroyed my doggie’s beautiful and fluffy bed. Sad.

Tbh, I didn’t need to preface what I’m about to reveal, but I just felt like I wanted to prove a point because…I’m embarrassed to say that…at 30 years of age, I still hear my mom’s disagreeing voice in my head, which makes me doubt certain decisions. I’m not embarrassed to also say that I also keep reminding myself that I’m grown and my own person, not responsible to fulfill my immigrant parents’ expectations.

Whew! Where was I? Ah, right…my revelation! I bought a portable washer tonight. 400$. Money that I didn’t necessarily have, especially not to spend on a bougie “need”. Wtv! Sometimes you just gotta “place order” and dassit.

Alright, on to watching more YouTube reviews about this washer and relating with commenters on my journey - excited for their washers to be delivered, and feeding themselves of the 2nd hand’s beautiful experience of an independent apartment luxurious experience.

when that bbq sauce hits the spot

as much as i did one of the most important tasks of my to-do list, “choose recipes for week” (yes, the “the” is silent in personal lists - like the g in lasagna. IYKYK.)…..I ended up eating a chicken burger - the chicken being a frozen, store-bought chicken patty.

I’ve been going to bed so late, yet still aiming to wake up early and be “productive”. A hopeless romantic? Hmm. I don’t think this even makes sense. Scratch that last question then.

So yeah, I ate the burger and finished with a piece of cake I made the other day. Oh shit, I forgot to mention. I wanna share a sauce that has changed my life, “Diana Sauce - BBQ Sauce Gourmet Horney Garlic”. Delicious. If someone ever reads this, you should try it and see how you embark on a journey to become a better version of yourself.

Honey garlic shrimps and rice + Slow cooked Italian meatballs with green beans and garlic parmesan roasted potatoes on the side = recipes of the week. Let’s see how this all goes. Hopefully, 8+ hours of sleep will also be on the menu. How romantic?

powerless

I really wanna be there for my parents as much as I can

I wanna see them as much as I can

I want them to know how much i care

I’m scared to lose them

I’m scared of all of our ultimate fate.

we’re here temporarily

trynna make sense of this passage and sometimes,

it fkn sucks.

I hate feeling powerless. feeling like there’s nothing I can do to help the people I love. to see them suffer.

I know we’re all on our own journey tho…

hm. I think there’s something to do with ego. perhaps feeling powerless and fighting against it is not humility, but ego? having difficulty dealing with loved ones suffering. perhaps wanting to have the power to heal also is a selfish act of wanting to be okay? hm. I don’t think I am ultimately a selfish person, but I am open to admit that a part of me is in that regard.

maybe I should end this post on an affirmation? (ok, multiple random ones)

I AM HEALING

I AM POWERFUL

I AM ON THE RIGHT PATH

I TRUST MYSELF

I LOVE MYSELF

n.b. I really spent time looking for all the “i” to correct them with “I”. bitch. that wasn’t necessary. it’s ok if this “random” blog has feelings and is imperfect.

sometimes u just gotta take time to NAME IT

it feels good to feel and breathe some fresh air. even if it led me to purchase a 7$ REGULAR SIZE ass bubble tea from fucking CHATTIME that obviously wasn’t that good. solid 6.5/10. wow. I am disappointed in myself, hmm tbh…not really. it’s not taking space in my head.

but at least i got some fresh air.

today was full of anxiety. chest pains and everything. i felt stuck. but i was still doing stuff like the lil things while avoiding the big ones… i’m still proud to have taken the time to:

• take some deep breaths,

• drink some water - 4 glasses to be exact

• turn on the diffuser to a relaxing lavender and bergamot blend,

• try to get a big task started by identifying its clear sub-tasks, at least i tried man.

• and FINALLY left my house to run an errand..on FOOT.

• forgot my NIP when it was time to pay for my meds…but solved the issue! with google play..yeah I was blaming the paypass technology but in the end it saved me…HURRAY!

• I cleaned my kitchen, as I have been doing every night for a while now

• made myself a cake that I’ve been wanting to make

• currently smiling, cuz I still did things. I spent lots of energy choosing products that I need to purchase cuz of a sale, making my Ikea order, looking for the Alchimist for my mom, and buying a carseat for kelz.

  • that’s what took the most time. and you know what? i can’t be mad at trying to be there for my mom and Kelz, and myself cuz I was choosing skin care products, and some items to organize my kitchen.

  • time flies. and I’m working on setting up the context to foster my success. and it is a….PROCESS.