my face is dry again

I just spent the last few hours (like 3 tbh) having a kitchen dance party, which also showed my music taste’s range. yes I said it…which means that I had to go through multiple layers. The common thread was me pretending I was having a dance party in Mexico, dancing with some new friends, and that being filmed, and me posting a non-cringy unapologetic me dancing video on IG and already thinking of the reaction of some followers, already thinking of the potential attention I’d receive. It’s like another self takes over making up scenarios. It feels really lame writing this “out loud”, but I’ll leave it here. I’m sure someone else could relate? (I gotta add a side note tho: my kitchen is clean, bitches.)

I did a clay mask+apple cider vinegar+honey this evening. My skin was red and dry after, but I went innnn with the moisturizer. Now. Listen. My dance party killed all my hard work. I sweated so much, used about 3-4 paper towels to patch my face, thus my face is dry again. My hair roots still haven’t fully dried.

Today, my routine was a lil off, and I feel like my day didn’t necessarily move with a flow. I didn’t do my freewriting this am. I feel like to have a strong foundation, I need a consistent routine. And I always get frustrated when I start on the right track and stop. One day turns into another one, and another one, until I gotta push myself to start again harder. Maybe having a strong routine also entails being intentional about taking a breather and setting a max period of perhaps 24h until I go back to it? Or adjust the routine to something more realistic?

I think Imma use a face wipe to salvage the dance dryness damage. Good night.

i love queer "how we met" YT videos

I’ve officially entered my “watching how we met videos of black lesbians/queer peeps/qpoc couples”. I just love love. I’m grateful for the experiences that got me this far. It’s a recurrent phase that I would say happens once every year/year and a half (as if the extra 6 months really changed the story, -_-).

The videos I’ve watched this weekend have been really inspiring. I’ve watched healthy Black couples constantly talking about manifesting their love and how the universe just put them together and it felt like divine intervention. I’m blown away. I even watched a video where one couple was explaining the difference between twin flames and soulmates, and how anybody can be our soulmates, yet there’s one person that is our twin flame and they are meant to be together with a purpose to do something together for the world. I probably misphrased, but listen, its almost 2 am.

I’ve been asking repetitively: I want a healthy love. One where both love each other very much and aren’t holding back. One where the connection is beyond us on so many spheres. One where there is no place to hide. One where the rawness brings a complexity to how we can accompany each other on our own personal healing. One where we complement each other rather than “complete”. Honest. One where I feel seen and heard. One where we can communicate openly and respectively. One with uncontrollable laughs. One where the intellect and our hearts can meet. One where I can just be. One where taking risks is courageously encouraged safely. One where I feel safe. One that supports my growth. One where the energy naturally flows with my friends - aka family. One where we can build in a way that feels effortless despite the struggles on the way - which we handle with care. One where we can imagine the future. One where there is financial abundance, allowing us to make choices from it. Is 2022 the year?

real fam

When I was a child —I don’t know what age, but somewhere between elementary school grades (I love that I can have references), I was always craving having a close connection, with perhaps a sibling where I could feel seen and understood. Of course I didn’t have the language for it, but it’s something I felt deeply.

I’m so lucky today to have friendships that are like family, actually they just are family. Wow. I really used to think these connections were supposed to happen with blood relatives, and was envious of people with big families—and frustrated about my own family drama.

It takes a whole lot of effort and processing to let go of what has been ingrained in us in terms of how things “should be”. Reclaiming our agency, over our bodies, lives, and dreams is revolutionary.

Today, I am grateful for the space I am able to co-create with family that actually is family. Space in that sense is not physical, but it sure is tangible.

the irony of groceries and mcdonald's

alright so there’s been a snowstorm in MTL and the streets ain’t cute. okay? and I’ve been telling myself for 2-3 days straight (maybe even more, but I have an ego, so let’s stick to max 3 and pretend I’m innocent) that I’d go grocery shopping and study, downtown.

Welp!

I finally went today, 39 minutes (listen!! a bitch can be specific) before close - ugh I always feel so embarassed walking in cuz I remember when I was a cashier or associate I would, majority of the time, roll my eyes at those last minute customers, espesh if they were paying cash and I had already started counting the cash in my cash register. Whew! How I grew and came to understand what was on the other side! So yeah. I was so effective, with my list, alley itinerary and everything!

Now. Obviously I got so much food, for over 60$ worth of groceries, yet here I was. In line. At a fast food restaurant, which ended up being Mcdonald’s because the cooks weren’t wearing their masks at the shawarma place. ordering a fucking big mac combo at 11.37$, because cheeseburger combos don’t exist???!!!! I remember when their combos were max 7$. I guess that shows my wisdom. How I have seen the world of Mcdonald’s prices go up. I would apply as a panelist to humbly share my experience.

I PROUD OF MYSELF FOR BEING HERE AND NOW IT’S 12:58 AM AND MY EYES ARE STARTING TO FEEL TIRED AND MY GROCERY BAGS ARE IN THE TRUNK AND FOOD IS PROBZ FROZEN AND I WONDER IF THE EGGS ARE OKAY AND NOW I JUST GOTTA GO. oh dear fleeting thoughts. goodbye.

from flops to...

I had a couple of fails today, but I’m gonna reframe that…from flops to reminders! (I know, not very catchy - I meant not at all, let’s be honest) so here they are:

1. reminder that mac and cheese with only mozarella is not so much of a thang. and if you decide to take that route, remember that milk boils and burns…FAST.

2. reminder to take your meds when your alarm rings. not when another unrelated alarm goes off an hour later.

3. reminder that eating crepes does not equal eating a meal.

I’ll stop here.